When deep depression first hit after the birth of my last child, my life was in chaos. I had 3 older children and now a newborn baby to care for. We lived in a small house and it got messy in no time at all. The laundry was piling up and all over the house. The floor was covered with toys and who knows what. There were kids that needed help with homework and school papers that needed organizing. There was a constant pile-up of dirty dishes. On top of all this, I still very badly wanted to serve others outside and home but doing so felt like too much. Every time I tried to push myself to accomplish more, the pain of my depression would worsen, rendering me completely incapable. I was drowning in my life. I remember being so overwhelmed and feeling extremely inadequate to handle these challenges with my state of mind.
I had a cleaning lady come and give me an estimate on coming weekly to clean but soon realized that the real problem was the day to day: keeping the dishes washed, the laundry done and things picked up. In my desperation I hired a professional organizer to help me make sense of things. She was very kind and helped me organize a schedule for the kids and helped me come up with a system to stay better on top of the household chores. It worked for a while. However, the principle that made the greatest difference in tackling the day to day was this: learning to simplify and scale back on the things I was trying to fit into my life.
“Simplify”, it sounds so utterly cliche that it almost seems like completely useless advice. But I can promise you, this was a game changer. Consider, with me, the following concept: each of us carries an “emotional load.” What I mean is we all have stresses, worries, and obligations of all kinds. All of this combined is what I consider our emotional load. If we are wise, we only take on what we can handle. If we aren’t, we might be stressed out. Sometimes, however, even with our best efforts, situations in life come at us and bring with them a great amount of stress. Throw depression on that and the load has just gotten far too heavy to bear. Some things have to be removed in order to lighten the now, overwhelming load. That is what I mean when I say “simplify.” I mean remove some of the load.
In order to do this it helps to strip our lives down to the core. I mean, the core of what is absolutely essential to your well being, emotionally, physically and spiritually. When I think of what is core for me in those 3 areas, I come up with a list that looks something like this:
Core Emotional needs:
Time alone in the quiet
Time to prepare for the day (shower, get dressed and presentable)
Time to do something enjoyable (like read or be outside)
Time with the ones I love
Clean home environment
Core Physical needs:
Good, full night sleep each night
Proper nutrition
Exercise (even just a walk)
Properly taking all recommended supplements and medications
Core spiritual needs:
Time to study and ponder the scriptures
Time to pray
Time for church and temple attendance
Focus on my family
It is also necessary to add a 4th list which includes essential obligations, such as attending work, if you are the breadwinner of your family, or preparing and shopping for food, doing laundry, cleaning and other essential tasks required to keep a home running.
It is wise to also fill out these lists for your family as a whole, if you are married and/or have children.
Now that you know what is core or essential to your well being and that of your family, remove from your life those things that are not on the list. For some people this might be extremely difficult. Especially if you are used to a very full schedule and doing many things for other people, but we are focusing on getting you through this period of crisis, and that takes priority right now. You may be hesitant to let some things go because people are depending on you, but I promise, someone else will step up to take your place. Now is not the time for others to depend on you, now is the time for you to take care of yourself and your family and get you on the road to healing. This step is essential for that to happen.
Simplifying in another sense will be just as essential. I’m speaking of lightening your workload on the list of essential tasks you have to do–such as going to work, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping. This involves getting rid of excess possessions, and simplifying processes.
First off, get rid of excess “things” in your life. I will give you an example of how we tackled this. One of the main problems I discussed at the start of this post was the dish pile-up that had become a daily problem. Because the pain of depression makes ordinary tasks extraordinarily difficult, even something as simple as washing dishes each day was overwhelming. My husband, who is an engineer, is very good at coming up with solutions. He suggested that we get rid of our current dishes, or pack them away, and instead of having cupboards full of dishes and utensils, get each family member their own set of unique dishes, a cup and utensils. Each person is only allowed to use their own dishes and utensils, so if it’s dirty, they have to wash it in order to use it. For 6 people this is 6 place settings and utensil sets instead of stacks and stacks of dishes getting used each day. This makes the problem more manageable. This idea was genius and we use it to this day. Find the pile-ups in your life and figure out how to simplify them! Ask a friend, family member or spouse to help you.
Second, simplify the processes in your life that cause you stress. When you are depressed, everything seems to cause stress, but there tend to be things we dread more that others. One of these for me was grocery shopping. I tend to hit Wal-Mart and Costco and when I was depressed it was a heavy burden to do these things. I soon discovered Wal-Mart’s grocery pickup and that process was simplified for me. With the help of a friend or family member, take those tasks that are most unpleasant and come up with ways to make them easier. Sometimes it can’t be made easier–in this case, look to friends and family to complete these tasks for you.
Finally, a word on that essential tasks list (work, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc.)–reduce your expectations, drastically. When I have felt good in my life (without depression), I have packed my days full from sunup to sundown with lots of good things. I was getting things done and making things happen. During a time of major depression is not the time for you to expect that of yourself. Remember, we need to lighten the load. When I was in my time of deep depression, I took my list of essential tasks and I would pick one thing–ONE, to try and accomplish each day.
To recap, the burden of depression is heavy! You must simplify your life in order to make things more manageable. Lighten your emotional load by focusing on only the core items, essential to your and your family’s well-being. Everything else must go. Simplify other aspects of your life by getting rid of unessential “things” in your life and simplifying essential tasks. Ask a friend/spouse/family member to help you with this. This is not a time in life for you to do many things, it is a time for you to heal. Don’t expect yourself to accomplish many tasks each day. Shoot for just doing one. You can do this and you are not alone! Comment below with any questions or to share your story.
Deep Waters 