Deep Waters

“When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,

For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,

And sanctify to thee, they deepest distress.”

-Robert Keen, “How Firm A Foundation”

 

If you or a loved one is suffering from depression, you can probably relate to the analogy of depression being like drowning in deep waters.  It’s overwhelming, it can be disorienting and the sheer size of it feels like the weight of a thousand oceans pressing you down.  I know from experience that there is no quick fix for this debilitating condition.  Healing is a process, and, in my experience, a very slow one.  But, I know there is hope!  If you have found my blog, I hope you will take a journey with me as I share some of my own experiences with depression and tools and skills I learned to help me through it.  I will also reference some resources that I have found helpful.

I can’t discuss this subject without also referencing my faith.  My Savior, Jesus Christ has been my Anchor, my Hope and my Healer.  Without Him, I would not have made the progress I have made from severe depression to being a happy, functioning individual.  I know that He truly is with us in our trials and will bless us in our troubles and truly does sanctify to us our deepest distress.

I am not a professional of any kind.  I am a woman, a stay at home mom and wife, who has suffered from depression throughout my adult life ranging from debilitatingly severe to mild.   I’ve also had some really great years where I didn’t feel depressed.  This blog is a collection my own experiences and insights and should not be a replacement for getting medical or professional therapeutic help when needed.

All intros over, let’s get started!  Today I wanted to talk about one of the biggest tidal waves that depression can throw at a person: hopelessness.

In my posts, I will mainly reference my most severe episode of depression which began just prior to the birth of my 4th child.  I struggled through a difficult pregnancy where I was on bedrest for about 9 weeks.  I remember thinking to myself, when I get back on my feet I am going to do so many things!!  I can’t wait to get out there and live life again!  When I finally got back on my feet, I had been down for so long, I could hardly walk.  My baby was so big, I was carrying so low and my muscles had gotten so weak that I could barely get around.  Well, no matter, I thought, soon I won’t be pregnant anymore and then I’ll be back to normal.

My little guy was born via emergency c-section and we went home from the hospital a couple days later.  With the pain from major surgery, the lack of sleep with a newborn and the fluctuating hormones of the postpartum period, normal never came.  The first thing that hit me with a vengeance was hopelessness.  At the time, I didn’t realize that that was what I was dealing with.  All I knew was everything was so hard, I didn’t know how I was going to make it through.  I was so distraught I almost couldn’t walk.  Fatigue would hit me suddenly and fiercely and I would feel like I couldn’t get out of bed.  Doctors checked iron levels but everything looked normal.  I had several other blood tests done and they all came back normal, as well.  My symptoms felt so physical, I felt sure that there was something wrong with my body.

Finally, after struggling through for a couple months, I decided to go in to a psychiatrist.  She confirmed what I had already begun to suspect, that I was dealing with severe depression and would need to be medicated in order to function.  The medications helped, but only took the edge off what I was feeling.  I could get out of bed, and the feelings were not so severe, but the pain I felt in my mind almost constantly, was intense.  And it was a daily, hourly reality.  I remember thinking to myself–this is too hard!  I can’t do this!  And truly it was beyond my own strength to bear.  I was being crushed with thoughts and feelings of hopelessness.

Thankfully, I learned that I could rely on my Savior, Jesus Christ–and I learned that He would strengthen me to carry the burden of depression.  I called on my Heavenly Father in prayer again and again for my Savior’s help and I did receive it.

Hopelessness in depression is a double-whammy.  The illness itself creates thoughts and feelings of hopelessness and then it is often so incredibly difficult to bear that we lose hope of being able to cope and fall into despair.  Here’s where it is important to be aware of your own thoughts.  “I can’t do this”, “this is too hard,” “I’ll never be myself again”–these are all lies that can be present when one has depression.  Trying to consciously replace these thoughts with “I can do this,” I will get better,” is an important exercise.  Even with medication, I still struggled and needed to challenge the lies in my thoughts to get through this.

The antidote to despair is hope!  And the source of all hope is Jesus Christ.  Truly, I believe that there are often situations where help from the Savior is the only way through and, for me, this was one of those.  While I was learning how to access His help, I heard this talk and learned the answers I needed to move forward with His aid.  I recommend listening to it and applying it’s principles.

So, to recap, hopelessness is a very difficult aspect often present in severe depression.  It is important to see a medical professional (preferably a psychiatrist) when your symptoms are severe.  Even with medication, depression can be difficult to treat so it is important to challenge your thoughts and replace the hopeless dialogue with the truth–that you will get through this, that you will get better.  Finally, we are not alone in our “deepest distress” and can call upon our Savior, Jesus Christ for help.

In coming posts, I’ll discuss some practical skills we can use to cope with the pain of depression and improve our quality of life, but for now, let’s get a dialogue going.  How have you dealt with hopelessness in your depression?  Share in a comment below.